Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
