Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
