I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
