I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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