I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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