whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Randomize
