My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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