saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
