Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
