pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Houston, we have a squirter
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
