i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize