I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
