if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
