I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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