my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
