speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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