we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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