someone owes me an orgasm
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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