I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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