And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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