thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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