I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
