It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
