How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
