i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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