He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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