"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Randomize
