It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
