He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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