cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Randomize
