We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
