yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
