Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
