Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
