I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
