I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
