video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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