I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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