:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
