great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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