I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize