I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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