yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
