Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
