chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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