I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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