he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
