I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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