If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
