I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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