So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
