Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
