Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
