we're chasing vodka with high fives
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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