her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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