Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I need to sanitize my soul.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
