I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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