Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Every concussion has its silver lining
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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