Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
